by ant london » Sun Dec 06, 2009 1:39 pm
Further to EASY....just read this and it made me chuckle
After what looks a favourable first round draw, Fleet Street are ready to crown England World Champions. Here are some PCC-approved editorial guidelines of what to expect from the papers...
England v USA, June 12 in Rustenburg
Initial friendly rivalry boils over into resentment when The Mirror publishes the headline "You bunch of Yankers" above a story that alleges member of the US team abused their English counterparts at a press conference. It turns out that it was just Tim Howard talking to himself. The paper then has to apologise for printing a photograph which it claimed showed Clint Dempsey waterboarding Joe Cole in the dressing room, but was in fact just the Fulham man shaking hands with Ashley Cole.
As the build-up reaches a climax, several papers are keen to equate the match with the Boston Tea Party, the War of Independence and America's delayed entry into World War Two. The Sun demands Wayne Rooney "do it for Our Boys at Dunkirk", while The Independent's front page is simply a picture of DaMarcus Beasley with the caption: "Global warming - the culprit".
England v Algeria, June 18 in Cape Town
Despite a narrow defeat to the USA, who appeared not to have understood their role as helpful warm-up opponents for the Champions-elect, the nation is still confident. One right-wing tabloid is keen to track down Algerians in the UK for their thoughts on the game, and also to shop them to the immigration authorities, especially the ones who are here legally.
Jeff Powell of the Daily Mail rallies the nation with the cry: "We must stand firm against this nation of basket weavers who spend half their lives in darkness writing books about existentialism and the other half trying to sell us their delicately spiced lamb and couscous dishes."
The match ends in disaster for England when one of the cheating shifty North Africans has the sheer brass neck to kick the ball into the English goal. The nation is even further enraged when another slippery son of the sand feigns injury by needing an ambulance after Wazza gently dislodges his head from his shoulders with a robust, but legal, two-footed flying lunge. In the car park.
English fans go on the rampage in the Cape Flats area of the city and get their clocks thoroughly cleaned.
England v Slovenia, June 23 in Port Elizabeth
There's embarrassment for one leading tabloid when a feature '20 Things You Never Knew About Slovenia' turns out to actually be all about Slovakia, but the paper hits back in a passionate editorial the next day: 'Who won the bloody war anyway'
The vagaries of goal difference, goals scored, head-to-head differentials and the fact that we have a buoyant TV advertising market mean that England can still got through as long as they beat Slovenia by three clear goals.
With ten minutes left, Fabio plays his trump card and puts a centre back up front, shouting: "Stick it the mixer". The game finishes 1-1, but England scrape through thanks to results, and brown envelopes, elsewhere. The papers are even more convinced that England are now clear tournament favourites.
As England prepare to face Germany in the last 16, John Terry confirms that England have not been practising penalties, because "you can't prepare for a situation like that, it's all about bottle..."
Alan Tyers
