The Manchester Derby is like an old Bible story, specifically David and Goliath…with a twist. For years while David was winning his fair share of battles, they failed to notice that Goliath was shaking off his loss, grabbed himself a bottle of scotch, jumped in his Ferrari and banged a Victoria Secret model while dong 150mph down the motorway on his way home to his penthouse suite.
David would take his slingshot, go find his rock (because they were expensive when you only had one) and trudge home to the alleyway he called home. Then came along David’s fairy god-sheihkh who said to David, I can grant you three wishes. David didn’t question that it’s usually Genie’s that give three wishes, and wished for a world class team, Champion’s League football and the ability to grab the Victoria Secret model away from Goliath in added time (93:20).
The rest, as they say, is history. But twice a year David still has to pick up his rock and his slingshot and slay the evil Goliath and that brings us to the Manchester Derby. However while David’s rock is now the size of a jumbo jet and the slingshot is more or less a howitzer, still the giant must be slain.
Previous Results.
Manchester City (David)
WLWD
Since looking very convincing in the first weekend, it has been a hard slog for City, losing against Cardiff and drawing with Stoke on the road. City have won both their matches at home scoring six goals and conceding none in the process. While their defensive qualities have looked like their achilles heel since Kompany was injured against Newcastle, they have through a series of comedic attacking performances from the opposition, managed to keep three clean sheets in four matches. Added to that, their measured away performance against Viktoria Plzen on Tuesday and Kompany’s return, it could be the turning of a corner for City who are attempting to come to grasps with a new system and manager in the hopes of embracing the obtuse buzzword “holistic”.
Manchester United (Goliath the scum loving cockney)
WDLW
United also looked very convincing in their 4-1 opening weekend match, man of the match Swansea defender Ashley Williams should be applauded for his efforts in securing their win. They also stumbled before a good solid 2-0 win over Palace last weekend was all but secured moments before half time when MotM Jonathan Moss sent off Dikocoi and awarded van Princess a penalty, which he duly scored and celebrated like he’d ran through the entire Palace team from half way before rounding the keeper, a lion, stampeding rhino’s and an irate badger before slotting home. United are also coming to grasps at the moment with a new manager, because training sessions usually begin with a warm up and now they begin with everyone having a look around for David Moyes “preciousssss”.
Corrosponding Fixtures.
9th December 2012
City 2-3 Filth
On this occasion, it wasn’t a mishit overhead kick or a Bacon Chops added time goal that denied City, it was not surprisingly a City player who handed United the win. Proving that the French can shy away from anything, Samir Nasri leapt away from the football like it was an invading German army while a freekick that was being taken that denied City with moments to spare.
30th April 2012
City 1-0 Scum
City’s magnificent performance was punctuated with a towering goal from Vincent Kompany, who’s goal set the tone for the rest of the season, put City back into the rightfully owned top spot and charged City to that wonderful title win that will never be matched in the history or future of football, Martin Tyler said so and therefore must be true.
In the Media
While City have been looking forward to this match, special performances from Kompany and a return of David Silva for such an important fixture, it should be noted that City also won in midweek, a fact that no-one seems to have noticed sadly because it was on the same night that wankstain Shrek decided to show up for a game. That’s right, it’s been ‘Wankfest 2013’ this week as Rooney has managed to find the net and, let’s face it, that’s a miracle in itself. And then the man himself decided to come down from the mountain to grace us with his presence and claim the Manchester derby isn’t as important to United as the Liverpool ‘derby’. Maybe his new headband(The “I’m going bald” disguise that’s fooling no-one) is cutting off circulation to that scattering of oxygen deprived cells he calls a brain.
Team News.
City will still be without Clichy and Demichelis, but welcome back Kompany and Richards and could see the return of the 6-1 hero, David Silva who has been out with a thigh injury. Sadly Kolarov is still fit and will probably line up on the left and for some inexplicable reason, Gareth Barry isn’t even listed in the available squad, there must be some mistake there. United are without ‘2 goals in 39’ Danny Welbeck, ‘Faces of Death’ Phil Jones and ‘Ninja Turtle’ Rafael but Whacko Jacko is back from suspension and raring to go in this unimportant fixture(Gospel according to Shrek).
Prediction.
Well one things for certain, if you predict the score in a Manchester Derby, you’re either very foolish or insane. I will say that United have only won two out of their last seven away games and City have won nine of their last 10 home games. What? Not satisfied? Okay, City have not had the greatest of results in this fixture in recent seasons, however the last two times they won this match, it was 1-0. So there we have it, 1-0 to City(Although 2-0 on the predictor, because I want to double my chances of being right). Foolish or insane? Well with underpants on my head and pencils up my nose, I bid you a flibble.
A massive thanks to SLIM from www.mancityfans.net for this weeks match preview