In a shocking turn of events, the Glazers, owners of Manchester United, have decided on the back of recent sales of a flurry of first team players, to take the ultimate step and sell the clubs much-beloved Old Trafford stadium.
The much-maligned owners have made this decision on the back of recent unacceptable performances, both on the pitch and in the transfer market. It is felt in the board room that Man U have too earnestly abandoned the traditions that the club has always been known for, namely fast, free-flowing and free-scoring football that has entertained the masses for centuries for slow, zombie-like backwards passes and long hoofs up to Fellaini which it seems is the only course of action they possess.
"This club needs to be enterprising and diverse in it's offensive plays." Joel Glazer explained through gritted teeth. "They should not be resorting to field kicks towards that walking tea-cosy, it's just not what this club is known for." The Glazers have felt it necessary to express their extreme displeasure with decent results which have seen the beleaguered club net just 7 points out of 12, a disgraceful return for such a big club.
In a move that is sure to send raptures around Europe, or at least Britain, the Glazers with the support of the board have decided to take extreme measures to suitably punish the waning club and shake it out of its complacency starting with the sale of Old Trafford to their rivals across town who will be using the pitch mostly to host their over-70's International Club Euro Championship League squads training sessions for a price of £250, a packet of Quavers and the bi-annual use of their pitch flags. This was deemed necessary because it was felt that "the current squad does not deserve to be playing that brand of shiteness in such a prestigious stadium" and they will instead be playing their remaining matches in a bog turf off the side of a cow field in Bordsdane.
But the sale of Old Trafford is not the only expected change. In a further demonstration of their extreme displeasure, it has been decided to sell the entire first team squad to Real Madrid for a Labrador and the entire youth team to Chelsea for 3 Sony Walkman's, 4 boxes of second-hand Twilight books and 2 wooden tables in the shape of Ross Noble screaming at an irradiated pigeon. A complementary bottle of specially-brewed vintage wine named "Whiskey-nose" is still being negotiated but it is expected that an agreement on that front will be reached by next February. It was felt that the first team had not performed adequately this season and thus either needed to be sold or publicly executed. In a tense stand-off between the coaching and playing staff and the robe-adorned Board, it was decided to send them all off to Madrid where their careers will die instead of them.
And in a final move to quash any hope for the future, the club has replaced their entire first team with the youth setup at Pirita JK Rellikvia and voluntary demote themeselves to the FBT Football League where they feel their abilities will be more suited. They have have also sold the soul, history and traditions of the club to Imhotep in hopes of turning their fortunes around.
Fans have reacted to this baffling news with mass demonstrations of self-immolation.
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