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FIFA demand gender test for Liverpool’s Torres
By Book Monkey

Premiership footballer Fernando Torres has been asked to take a gender test to eliminate concerns he is a woman, according to football’s governing body FIFA.

FIFA says it demanded the test three weeks ago amid fears he should not be able to play in the all male’ Premier League.

Michelle Platini, himself a suspected women, said the “extremely complex, difficult” test results were not due for several weeks.

“It will take us a considerable amount of time to check if Mr, or Mrs, Torres does, or does not, have the male sexual reproductive organs.”

“This sort of test cannot be conducted quickly without medical specialists, there are several ways to cheat the traditional ‘cup and cough’ approach.”

Positive
Liverpool Football Club, said that they are “completely sure” that Torres, 25, is a female but felt that she should be entitled to play in the all male league due to her popularity with team-mates Jamie Carragher and Steven Gerrard.

A source at Liverpool said, “Jamie and Stevie have put in hours of hard work on the training ground with Torres and were both on the verge of securing a much sought after date”.

“We would not have signed Torres if she hadn’t been so pretty. She’s so graceful, with her flowing locks and smooth skin.”

“Some our fan base is made up of heterosexual males, and posters of Torres adorn the walls of many those fans”.

Withdrawal
FIFA stated: “If it is proved that Torres is female, she will be withdrawn from all FIFA competitions and matches she was involved with will be forfeited to the opposition.”

The Spanish Foreign Minister, Miguel Angel Moratinos, said “we have no issues with Torres’ gender. We may be filthy racists but you can’t accuse us of sexism”.

He added, “We are however concerned that our Euro 2008 triumph might be written out of the history books because of a technicality”.

Slim wrote:Can we laugh at the racism line? I am never sure what's PC these days but I laughed.

Tony P wrote:Incidently, is there any rule banning women form 'Men's' professional football?

SmallTimeCharlie wrote:I think he looks like Paul Calf.

DoomMerchant wrote:

Tony P wrote:Incidently, is there any rule banning women form 'Men's' professional football?

i think it solely depends upon clit size. if you have a huge clitoris and some flapjacks for vagina lips that could pose as a nutsack then anything's possible i suppose.

cheers

Losing referees Riley and Styles worse than losing Ronaldo, says Ferguson


Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson has claimed that recently retired referees Mike Riley and Rob Styles are a bigger loss to his team than departed Cristiano Ronaldo.

United stuttered through an unconvincing 1-0 opening day victory against Premier League new-boys Birmingham City, and Ferguson’s men were clearly missing the threat normally posed by compliant match officials.

Despite a win secured by a Wayne Rooney goal, Ferguson was less than pleased with how his team had coped with the new refereeing roster.

“A win is a win, but the nature of the victory was more than a little concerning,” said Ferguson in the post-match press conference.

“People will point to the 20-odd goals you could expect from Cristiano, but nobody ever mentions the sterling work done by Riley and Styles in creating those goals.”

“Those guys were real team players, the unsung heroes of much of our success.”

“They would contribute all over the pitch, not just with favourable penalty decisions in both areas, but with 50/50 challenges all over the pitch,”

“There is also the awarding of free-kicks in shooting range and the numerous goal line clearances.”

“But most of all, I think we’ll miss their uncanny ability to make the game seem longer than it’s meant to be when we really, really needed it.”

Referees

A Premier League official has reacted to Sir Alex’s claims by leaping to the defence of the new referees.

“They’re just learning the ropes, and obviously don’t yet know the Premier League hierarchy that’s currently in place.”

“But we’ve invested heavily in their development and they’ll be up to speed soon enough, it’s just a matter of gaining the right experience.”

“And nothing gives you that experience like being subjected to a 96th minute spittle-infused rant from Sir Alex.”

“After that, I am sure they will be significantly more compliant.”