August
- Liverpool to wear black armbands for "our cilla" in the first game
- Unit$d and Arsenal to get off to 100% starts. LVG to pronounce that his team will win the Champions League before they go and get beat in the qualifiers.
- John Aldridge and other Anfield legends line up to attack Raheem Sterling, claiming that he is to blame for world poverty. "Even if it isn't strictly true, he hasn't done anything to solve it has he?" pointed out Aldridge.
- John Terry reveals how he relaxes in his spare time - he likes to dress up as a French policeman and travel to Calais. "I love getting stuck in on all those immigrants!"
September
- Arsenal maintain their 100% record and there is a violent melee as dozens of London journalists desert Jose's behind and try to crawl back up Arlene Wengers.
- UEFA announce that in the interests of Financial Fair Play, they will hand Unit$d a "wildcard" entry to the Champions League knock out stages in an effort to maintain the integrity of the competition - as their biggest income stream.
- Spurs striker Harry Kane starts dating Kelly Brook
October
- Raheem Sterling is pictured having a glass of wine with a meal, 5 days before a game. The tabloids wheel out Bryan Robson, Norman Whiteside, Paddy Crerand, Paul McGrath and Peter Schmeichel to condemn him for his unprofessional attitude.
- United get knocked out of the League Cup by Bury after LVG picks his under 14 team. "I am a big fan of young players" he explains. "They buy into my philosophy and besides, they are easier to bully".
- John Terry urges Chelsea to sign Harry Kane: "i'm a big fan!"
November
- the clocks go back and Arsenal take 4 points from a possible 18 and fail to qualify from their Chumps League group. Dozens of London journalists are now looking for a new home with several casting admiring glances at Alan Pardew's Crystal Palace.
- After a run of 6 straight defeats, Brenda Bodgers insists his team can still achieve "something a wee bit special" this year.
- Villa sack Tim Sherwood and appoint BFS. Stan Collymore is arrested after accosting strangers and telling them that Villa won the European Cup in 1982 and that as such, they deserve a better manager than Allardyce.
- David de Gea is out for the next 8 games as he has to be in Hollywood to film the next Teen Wolf sequel. LVG puts Rooney in net saying "the boy can play anywhere".
December
- Alexander Kolarov smiles. He later admits this was a mild case of wind.
- Bournemouth win their first game of the season much to the delight of all the journalists who have patronised them from the start of the campaign with their praise for looking to play football "in a certain style"
- Ian Wright warns John Stones not to join City as he will not get any game time - "think about your career, rather than your bank balance"
January
- John Stones joins Chelsea. Ian Wright proclaims it a great move as he will "learn from the best and besides, he is now set up for life".
- LVG attempts to sign all left footed South Americans under the age of 6 and rejects claims that his transfer policy is lacks focus - "if that were true, we would sign right footed players too!"
- Harry Kane scores his first goal since September; "the poor lad has been suffering with exhaustion" explains his manager Poccetino.
February
- city go 8 points clear and progress into the quarter finals of the Champions League.
- Chelsea are knocked out of the Champions League. Jose picks up a 12 month ban after kicking the referee.
- Arsenal win the league cup and are proclaimed the best team in the country by 90% of all pundits , whilst the remaining 10% claim that Brendan Dodgers is doing a great job.
March
- City beat Barcelona in the champions league.
- West Bromwich announce record profits. A spokesman says "obviously the TV money helped but the souvenir shop has been spectacularly busy over the last 18 months". It is understood that one key customer is responsible for 99% of the sales.
- Branislav Ivanovic confesses that he once ate a baby. "So what? He was hungry!" says Jose springing to his defence.
April
- City lose their Champions League semi against Bayern on penalties. Mark Lawrenson, Paul Merson and David James claim that after all the money they have spent, city are an embarrassment to the Premier League.
- Wayne Rooney finishes a sentence without saying "erm"
- in an effort to improve the image of the Club around the world, the Glazers invite Sept Blatter on to the United board of directors.
May
- City win the double.
- Santi Cazorla and the Ox win poty and ypoty.
- David James claims that City have been "lucky".
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