Will Five Live's Alan Green please shut up! BBC commentator remains the self-important, patronising, infuriating voice of radio
If you were looking for a phrase that distilled the essence of Alan Green, BBC Radio’s star commentator; one that crystalised the man’s Toad-like self-importance, he dispensed it with the gladdest of hands (or mouths) last month.
No bribe was necessary. It emerged, unbidden, with chilling precision.
Welcoming one of those peculiar callers to 606, the phone-in that could easily be mistaken for 5 Live’s contribution to care in the community, Green spotted that he had a wrong’un on his hands, and moved on to the next misfit with this brutal valediction: ‘I’m sorry, but if idiots come on to this show, I just have to destroy them.’
Green dragon: the BBC commentator managed to fall out with Graham Taylor
You may think it, Mr Green, but you should never say it. First, because as an observer, you are not the story, merely the conduit through which it flows. Secondly, because ‘destruction’ (how casual he made it sound) is not an admirable quality. It is hateful.
Mark well that preliminary ‘just’, as though it were some daily chore. When allowances are made for context (the caller in question was speaking absolute tripe), that cruel declaration indicated a mentality that proclaims ‘I shall have my way, and don’t anybody doubt it’. Whatever one thinks of Green’s gifts - and they exist - it was an unsettling moment.
To be fair to the man (fairer than he often is to others), let us acknowledge those gifts. He speaks crisply, as so many Irish people do, in plain English. There is colour in his voice, which falls only a cubit short of true warmth, and he is no cliche-monger.
When he is concentrating on the 22 footballers on view, he makes a confident, if somewhat garrulous, witness. On his good days he makes an agreeable companion.
These qualities are shown to his advantage on 5 Live, a station dominated (to borrow a ringing phrase from my good friend, Quentin Letts) by ‘off-the-peg jockstraps’.
This is the BBC, do not forget, the world’s biggest and - for all its faults - greatest broadcaster. Yet sports-lovers have to endure the garbled inanities of reporters who treat their native tongue with contempt.
Some people have taken Green to task for his loyalty to Liverpool, but those arrows fall wide of the target. Heavens above, there is no shortage of Manchester United and Arsenal fans within the media village! Some people support Chelsea, even when nobody is looking.
Radio Days: Green at Manchester United's Old Trafford home in 1998 but he is known throughout football to be a passionate Liverpool supporter
Following Liverpool, covertly of course, is not a matter for the hanging judge. Nor should he be put in the stocks for his occasional indiscretions.
Green’s asides about Chinese full backs and chow mein, or car thieves in Liverpool, may not be side-splittingly funny, but they are not malicious.
Besides, anybody who is obliged to endure as much second-rate kick-ball as he watches is entitled to crack a few jokes. If he makes a few mistakes in the heat of the action, then who doesn’t?
Green’s uneasy relationship with his colleagues, chronicled so faithfully by Sportsmail’s Charles Sale, need not trouble us, either.
People do not have to get on socially to do their jobs properly, though it is surprising to learn how widely disliked Green is within the BBC, where he is indulged like a pupil bound for the glittering prizes.
To fall out with Graham Taylor, one of life’s good guys, is a stunt that few have managed to pull off, but one should never bet against Greeny. He’s won a few caps in that regard.
So what is the case against him? Simple. Apart from the wilful exaggerations, contrived contrariness, and befuddled freeform riffing, he believes, along with Louis XIV, that ‘l’etat, c’est moi’ (I am the state).
Opinionated: Green loves telling listeners what he thinks
Almost every time this Sun King of the airwaves takes the microphone, no matter what circumstances prevail, he will place himself between the listener and the game. Indeed, he becomes the game.
Peter Jones and Bryon Butler, from a gentler age, never put themselves above the performers. Nor did Maurice Edleston, a handy player himself, who left us in 1976 at 57, the age that Green has now reached.
We strange folk who remember football before the big bang of 1992 think of Edleston as a grand old man. Perhaps that is how a younger generation, weaned on the Premier League, round-the-clock action and instant opinion, now thinks of Green.
The best commentators on sport observe proceedings from a discreet pace back from the touchline.
Jonathan Agnew and Ian Robertson, to name the two most obvious examples, are outstanding correspondents, of whom the BBC can be proud.
Both men played the games they now report on, which reinforces their expertise, but they have earned their spurs by rigorous journalistic discipline. One trusts them implicitly.
Too often with Green, however, it is me-me-me.
I think this. I think that. I shall be taking your calls tonight. I shall be going to Barcelona next week. Do you want to be in my gang, my gang, my gang? And, by the way, the referee is a shocker.
Most of the time it can be laughed off, a boy playing with his favourite toy. Sometimes it can’t.
In April, on the 20th anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster, the Today programme invited Green to recall the events of that tragic day. So long as he was alive, he told Radio 4 listeners, he would neither forget nor forgive the attitude of the South Yorkshire Police.
This was the Liverpool supporter in him speaking, not the impartial reporter. It is not a journalist’s duty to ‘forgive’ the actions of others, although Green, like others, was entitled not to forget them.
This wasn’t just a minor solecism. It was a serious error of judgment, neither his first nor last where his importance in the scheme of things, or lack of it, is concerned.
Take a step back, Mr Green. You will see the picture so much more clearly when there is space between yourself and the canvas. In the long run you will feel less angry, and so will your listeners.
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Arsenal are set to beat Manchester United and their rivals Manchester City to the signing of QPR youngster Raheem Sterling. The Gunners will have to pay £750,000 in compensation for the striker.The Sun http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/sp ... nners.html
TRANSFER BOLLOX
Arsenal will make a £17m summer move for Aston Villa striker Gabriel Agbonlahor if the 23-year-old has a strong finish to the season. Daily Star
Or Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger could instead bid £14m in an attempt to lure 20-year-old Nice striker Loic Remy to the Emirates. The Sun Nemanja Vidic will leave Manchester United in the summer and head for a club in southern Europe. The 28-year-old defender and his wife Ana have failed to settle in Manchester and will head for sunnier climes. Daily Mail
However, Napoli midfielder Marek Hamsik could be a summer arrival at Old Trafford. The 22-year-old has been earmarked as a player who can breathe new life into a Manchester United squad that features several stars in their mid thirties.Daily Telegraph
Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp is weighing up a swoop for Honduran striker Melvin Valladeres. The 25-year-old, recommended by Spurs midfielder Wilson Palacios, has been given a two-week trial by the club. The Mirror
Derby boss Nigel Clough is hoping to sign DJ Campbell on loan from Leicester before the deadline for emergency signings passes on The Mirror
Sheffield United striker Jamie Ward, 23, is wanted by West Brom. Ward has scored four times for the Blades this season but could move in January for around £1.5m. The Mirror
DO A 'HENRY' GAME
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OTHER GOSSIP
Avram Grant is set to move up from his director of football role to become Portsmouth manager following Paul Hart's exit on Tuesday.The Sun
Alternatively, Pompey could chose Peterborough boss Darren Ferguson and name him in time for Saturday's game against his father's team - Manchester United. (Daily Express)
Manchester United keeper Edwin van der Sar could come out of international retirement to play in the World Cup for The Netherlands next summer. Van der Sar will only be four months short of his 40th birthday when the tournament starts.The Guardian
Sunderland striker Darren Bent is set to miss five matches because of a hamstring injury. The Black Cats are already without Kenwyne Jones, who is completing a three-match ban.The Sun
Fulham manager Roy Hodgson is set to land a bumper £5m-a-year pay deal that will keep him at Craven Cottage until 2012. Fulham currently lie 12th in the Premier League and have already beaten Liverpool this campaign. (Daily Express)
WAG OF THE DAY
http://www.thespoiler.co.uk/index.php/2 ... rina-keogh
FINAL BOLLOX
Roy Keane has apologised after saying the Republic of Ireland should "get over" France striker Thierry Henry's handball in last week's World Cup qualifier. "I apologise to anyone I offended. I'm only 38 and will make mistakes," he said.
The Sun
Sam Allardyce's wife, Lynn, will ban him from using his mobile phone tonight to ensure he has no involvement in Blackburn's clash with Fulham. The Rovers manager, 55, is set to undergo heart surgery on Friday. Daily Mail
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